Football Draft Summary 2006

It's that time again. Time for me to take a break from my busy schedule of brainstorming and outlining for my new screenplay (a romantic comedy that takes place in a sperm bank) to summarize this year's fantasy football draft.

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Like any year, we had our ups and downs. On the plus side, this is the first time in four years that we've actually had 100% attendance for the draft. No mind-altering "Fred Taylor #8 overall to Kabir" type moments thanks to Autodraft. (That never happened.) No bullshit like Bernhard winning the league with an Autodraft team... without making a single move! Not even a benching during bye weeks! Total BS. No, this is a sign of maturity. Of sophistication. Of class. We deserve a round of applause for that. And a round of blow jobs! Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!!!

That being said, certain people seemed to pine for Autodraft more than others. I'm having a hard time coming up with something amusing enough to follow "Peyton Manning #4 overall" without seeming painfully unfunny in contrast. I almost feel like my draft summary was... upstaged. Ain't that a bitch? Don't you know who the fuck I AMMMMM?



Don't be fuckin' with my hel-met! I'm the Juggernaut, bitch! I have a hard time giving Kelvin shit about his X-Men pajamas... the ones with the sewn-on booties... when it was Kelvin who pointed this video out to me. (OK, I don't have that hard a time.) Either way, I request, nay insist, that you familiarize yourself with this video before proceeding if you haven't already done so. Do it. Or I'mma fuck you up with mah PIMP cane. I'll be here when you're done.

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OK, we're back! As usual, these are for my own amusement entertainment purposes only. I've added a series of sub-grades in different categories. The idea there is to make this summary as arbitrary as possible, because I've proven that I don't know shit. Check out last year's summary for proof.

Without further Adu, here you are, in ascending order of overall quality...

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Owner: Alex Lehr
Name: Get My Goose On
This Year: C+
Future: C
Value: C
Ceiling: C
Likability: D
Overall: C-
Team Quote: "Who said it?!? I did, cain't you see this mothafuckin' spaceship? This is a Dodge!!!"

The most perplexing (and funniest) quote goes to Lehr for his perplexing lineup. The selection of Peyton was classic. Perhaps this was Lehr's subtle, obtuse way of putting his own personal spin on The Aristocrats. "So the daughter's fucking the dog, the dog's blowing little Timmy like a circus seal, Timmy's got his arm halfway up his mother's birth canal, the dad's whacking off to the whole thing while drafting Peyton Manning 4th overall on the Internet..." and so on.

That said, although Manning is a 1st-round QB if anyone is, I really can't see it. Three days ago, I'd have defended Lehr to the hilt. But then I looked at his 2005 numbers. Not first-round numbers. The killer is that Lehr might not have any RBs to keep for next season... Willis McGahee and Willie Parker are OK, but both are capable of crapping out 900-yard seasons with low TD totals. Parker was the symbol of Lehr's indefensibly bullshit-laden 2005 playoff run, however, so Lehr clearly likes him. But I don't, so eff him.

Beyond that, he's got no #1 wideout, yet spent two Top 7 picks on TEs. He could have had Roy Williams or Joe Horn, or both, and instead chose newly minted Eagle Donte Stallworth. Few picks were more unjustly optimistic than Stallworth; in fact, to recycle a joke I used elsewhere in the draft, that pick is appropriate given that it came from the author of The Optimist Report. But seriously, he chose Stallworth over Horn, a guy he played next to for years and was outperformed by every single time. This is what happens to bad drafters. Hate hate hate hate hate.

Of course, this means Lehr is gonna win the league. Congratulations.

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Owner: Andrew Kerr
Name: HondaElement=BadAss
This Year: C
Future: B
Value: D
Ceiling: C+
Likability: C+
Overall: C
Team Quote: "My chest! My bloody chest..."

It's not just the chest that got bloody. I can't believe I didn't start with Andrew. Andrew started out great (Steve Smith), and had us convinced he knew what he was doing. That lasted for about six seconds, as his next "football move" was to draft Reggie Bush. After some reflection, this wasn't a crazy selection in and of itself. The problem is that Andrew wasn't able to add to his running back stable until #30... and took an overrated, injury-prone, inconsistent back in Brian Westbrook. And then took receivers until Thomas Jones in the 8th (which was actually a pretty nice move).

In fact, there's plenty of good news. His WR situation isn't bad. Smith and Javon Walker should be a good 1-2 punch, and Lee Evans is a decent wideout. Jeremy Shockey is probably the second-most talented receiving TE in football. Eli Manning, though perhaps not a #4 QB yet, is a viable keeper candidate if he continues to improve. It's a bad value pick, but it's not a bad pick. And he has the best placekicker who ever lived in his corner; that's gonna win him some karma points.

But it's tough to see the bright side when you're still reeling from the Bush pick. That's the story of his draft. Once Andrew did the Bush thing, he lost his credibility, and everything else seemed ridiculous. Westbrook and Shockey are walking Urgent Care facilities. Half the league doesn't know who Lee Evans is. He has no Plan B at running back. Jerramy "Pwn3d" Stevens. And so forth.

But at least he has a wheel of manchego cheese...

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Owner: Jesse Willard
Name: Cocksmen
This Year: C
Future: B
Value: C-
Ceiling: B
Likability: B+
Overall: C+
Team Quote: "Ain't dat a BITCH? I'm KETCHUP, mothafuckah... oughta ZAP yo' dumb ASS. Bow down to a TRUE pimp, bitch!"

#3 on the Threat-Down this week: Jesse!

I like this team... through the first four rounds. Then it gets really, really ugly. Like "looking at your asshole in the mirror" ugly. Sure, it's neat for about a minute ("gee, I never thought it'd be red"), but after that it's ("is that a piece of spinach?") or you'll want to barf. That's how I feel about the back end of Jesse's draft.

But let's focus on the positives. Is Edge at #7 a bit much? Sure. But his alternatives weren't so hot that it could be classified as an out-and-out "mistake." L-Fitz, Palmer and Deuce are excellent choices. Ron Mexico at #9 was a deal. Jason Elam/Dallas Clark in the 11th/12th is good value.

Other than that... ugh. Paging Andrew Kerr! Basically, every pick that followed besides Derrick Mason was underwhelming, and I'm not even sure about him. Jesse has excuses, but that doesn't make his team any better. Ouch.

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Sidebar time...

I remember when Jesse drafted Michael Vick #1 OVERALL. If you think the Reggie Bush thing was hilarious, try and imagine what THAT was like. I believe he went on to break his foot in preseason and miss pretty much all of 2003.

Now they're re-united, "Wu-Tang Forever"-style. Jesse picked him up in the 9th, which is about where a flaky, inconsistent, misery-inducing fantasy player belongs. On the plus side, Jesse didn't overpay; on the minus side, he's Michael Vick, every fantasy owner's worst nightmare. He's the Donte Stallworth of quarterbacks. He's the Marcus Giles of football. I would never, ever take Vick again. I predict that in Carson Palmer's bye week, Vick's one time to shine, he will rack up 45 yds passing, 2 INTs, 30 yards rushing, and a fumble. Then Jesse will drink the water out of his toilet until he goes into a coma.

And that's the WORD.

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Owner: Chas Budnick
Name: My Blumps
This Year: B-
Future: B-
Value: B
Ceiling: B
Likability: B+
Overall: B-
Team Quote: "Did you kill the bitch?" "No, but I'm ABOUT to kill this bitch! I'm 'bout to fuck her in the EARS, 'n blow her BRAINS OUT 'cause I'm the GODDAMN JUGGERNAUT, BITCH! I'm 'onna break her in haaaaalf..."

This is where I give Chas a verbal wetdown over how much I love his team, predict he will win, only to watch Lehr make the playoffs for absolutely no reason. Right? Well, not this year, bitches! I'm not the Jack Twist of fantasy sports; I just CAN quit you, Chas. No A's this year. Have some B-'s. B for Blumps. My blumps, my blumps, my blumps.

Chas did fine. His RB situation is extremely good, says I. He got late bench value, nabbing guys like Keenan McCardell and Michael Clayton late. Donovan McNabb in the 5th is a stretch, but not terribly so. Vernon Davis could work out, and if not then a 9th-rounder is a small price to pay. But the receiving situation as a whole is really, really shaky once you get past Marvin Harrison. I like the Braylon Edwards pick a lot, but I also liked when I took Andre Johnson a couple years ago. It didn't help much.

Chas has good running back depth, so he might want to trade Cadillac Williams for a lead wideout... someone like, say, Roy Williams...

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Owner: Charles Mahle
Name: Cooley-High-Harmony
This Year: B
Future: B-
Value: B
Ceiling: A-
Likability: B-
Overall: B-
Team Quote: "I'm gone beat the shit outta ya, Charles! I'm gone beat the shit outta ya WITH Charles, as a matter of fact, I don't give a FUCK!"

Charles, noooooooooo! Charles, you got mah heeeeead! What the fuck is THIS shit?!? I like what Charles did late... take the best kicker, bar none, and the best defense, bar none. Sure, he may have passed on the likes of Thomas Jones and Reuben Droughns in order to fill his K/DEF positions, but he made up for it later by yanking Eric Moulds out of his ass. And he usually comes up with shit mid-season. So all in all, not a bad job.

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Owner: Kelvin Schleif
Name: Team Period
This Year: B
Future: B-
Value: B+
Ceiling: B
Likability: F-
Overall: B
Team Quote: "Gawwwww-awwwww-awwwwwwwwd-DAYMN, I'm ready to get FUCKED!"

Cheers to the man who's mere hours away from his wedding night. Congratulations, buddy! Soon you will know enough about the female form that you will stop telling us how when you take off a woman's panties it's all "covered in powder down there."

Unfortunately, his team is all covered in powder down there. It's fine, nothing wrong with it, but nothing right either. He's got good RBs, and Reggie Wayne is a good player, but everyone else is solid at best. Nobody with much potential to bust through. The good news is that he'll score 90 points every week; the bad news is he'll score 90 points every week.

He did snag plenty of good stuff towards the end. Like Dominic Rhodes. And Philip Rivers. [EDIT: he cut Rivers and picked up Stephen "The Legend Follower" Gostkowski. Excellent choice, sir!] But the long and short of it is that none of these guys are killers. There's not very many "oh shit, how did we let Kelvin get THAT guy" moments to look at. All told, an uncharacteristically OK draft from the football master.

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Owner: Frank Rusch
Name: feeder mice
This Year: B+
Future: B
Value: A-
Ceiling: A-
Likability: B+
Overall: B+
Team Quote: "I'm the JUGGERNAUT! I'm ready to FUCK! I've BEEN ready to FUCK! My suit's so TIGHT..."

Rusch had a very under-the-radar draft. No eye-poppingly great picks... but no stinkers. He's deep at the important positions and lacks a weakness. Usually a solid team like that inspires me to wonder what their ceiling is like... but I like Rusch's potential. I question Ronnie Brown's first-round status, but I really like Lamont Jordan and his abilities in the passing game. Aaron Brooks will be puking safety valve outlets over to Jordan early and often.

As for WRs, he's got Randy Moss, Hines Ward, and Andre Johnson, which is formidable. Moss will get yards and TDs, Hines will get receptions, and Andre will fill in the edges with a monster game every now and then. L.J. Smith is a solid TE, if not a premier receiver. But at #9 he's a good pickup.

I think his reliance on rookie RBs on the bench is the only truly questionable decision. DeAngelo Williams, Joseph Addai and LenDale White, while carrying an excess of capital letters, aren't established starters, and thus might not contribute a whole lot.

But that's nit-picking. I really like what Frank did, especially considering his spot in the draft order. I don't think his team is a world-beater, but it'll beat a lot of us. It could even beat itself. Speaking of beating yourself...

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Owner: Jeff Doucette
Name: Masturbatriots
This Year: B+
Future: A-
Value: B
Ceiling: A
Likability: A+ (O RLY? YA RLY!)
Overall: A-
Team Quote: "Oh man, look at all this MONEY... hell YES, sellin them hoes is easy as helllllll."

I awarded myself that quote b/c I had the easiest job. Take the best player, don't fuck up. And I didn't. I think my backs past LDT are on awfully shaky ground, and my QBs are a definite weakness. Culpepper at #8 is decent value, but I don't like Culpepper. Maybe I'll get lucky, who knows.

Either way, despite those weaknesses, my receiver situation is probably the best in the league (Gates, Horn, Holt, Roy Williams) in terms of starters, so I feel I can withstand a spot of weakness at other positions, temporarily.

Beyond that, I like my D and kicker, and I'm set up pretty nicely for next season, barring a major injury.

The real killer is depth. If LDT or Foster (as is his wont) gets hurt, I'm FUCKED. No two ways about it. I liked Ahman Green at #10, but I really, REALLY don't want to have to go there. I'll need a quick trigger-finger on waiver RBs.

I also ignored bye weeks. Not smart to have two of your best players on the same team, eh? So Chas will probably beat my Gates-less, Tomlinson-less, kicker-less team in Week 3. Enjoy!

(Yeah, so I'm not objective. I'll kindly remind you that for all my "braggadocio" it never does shit for me once football actually starts. I know shit. But what can I say, I love my team right now and I can't shut up about them. If you want to shut me up later, just say Red Sox and it'll all be over.)

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Owner: Dan Novillo
Name: Dunderball
This Year: A-
Future: B
Value: A
Ceiling: A+
Likability: C+
Overall: A-
Team Quote: "I like ya RAIN-coat, BITCH! Get ready to RUN!!!"

Dan gets that quote for landing so many running back options despite having spent his #2 and #3 picks on receivers. Taking the estimable Larry Johnson is one thing, but grabbing Julius Jones in the 4th and Reuben Droughns (a Can't Cut List member) in the 8th is just a big-time screwup on our part. Dan should be shaking his head right now wondering why he took Kevan Barlow in the 4th round... not breathing a sigh of relief for having gotten Julius Jones.

Still, I have personal issues with his top two picks. I passed over Johnson in favor of LaDainian Tomlinson, primarily because I thought LJ was a little low on track record. There are so many arguments against his success (new coach, new offense, worse o-line, time for coaches to study his 2005 outburst, he was a headcase the whole time anyway) that I couldn't justify taking him. So I, personally, see him as a gamble. Same with Terrell Owens, for obvious reasons. It looks pretty rosy on paper, and based on draft intel was unarguably a really good job, but there's a soft underbelly that could be exploited.

You may have noticed the C for likability. The C is for Cowboys. Bleech. And you're a Bills fan... sad, really...

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Owner: Kabir Green
Name: Team Gbaja-Biamila
This Year: A
Future: A-
Value: A
Ceiling: A-
Likability: A-
Overall: A
Team Quote: "Comb yo' beard! I don't wanna hear dat SHIT!"

I thought Kabir did a pretty great job. He spent his first two picks on backs equal in value to those picks. He landed two good receivers in Chris Chambers and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, with Matt Jones a potential breakout candidate and Deion Branch a quality gamble. He grabbed Tony Gonzalez in the fifth round, which I thought was surprisingly late for him. He has Frank Gore and Laurence Maroney, both of which are decent bets to emerge as fantasy players. And he has the best quarterback that Tara Reid has ever blown. Good lineup, good bench.

The story of Kabir's team will be whether or not his backs live up to their potential. Steven Jackson and Rudi Johnson are both solid, but I don't see either of them as "franchise" backs. His receivers should be able to carry him (especially if Branch crawls back to play) but Kabir needs either Johnson or Jackson to go apeshit if he wants to win for the first time.*

*- Kabir's win in 2004 was bullshit and thus does not count. Fucker.

Maybe I'm biased against those teams built on a pair of late-1st/early-2nd running backs, because I've gotten pulverized by that situation so many times. Last year I had Willis McGahee and Kevin Jones at 1-2. They were an absolute nightmare. I played the draft by the book, and because I did I got burned. So when I see a similar team (Kabir, Rusch, Chas) I pause and think about what happened in the past. And shed a tear. On my vagina. But it's tough to NOT take running backs at those spots. They get eaten up so quickly. Never mind.

In summation, Kabir drafted excellent...ly... well?

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So there you have it. Kabir wins! Stick your comments in the... comments area. Yeah, NOW what, mothafucka!