Fantasy Football Draft Summary

The first rule of Postgame Spread is... do not talk about fantasy. So I'm talking about it here. I'd rather have a third blog to maintain than have the smallest whit of fantasy talk appear on Postgame Spread. Without further a-doodoo, here's the summary of this year's draft.

Unfortunately this was a banner year for people blowing off the draft and leaving their fates to autodraft. Granted, often times the autodraft teams can be better than manually-drafted ones, but when you have six computer-based teams and four humans, the humans can easily take advantage. My last three picks had no business being on the board, and I think the rest of us humans can say something to the same effect. It'd be too bad if this plays out in the standings like it should... but football can be fickle, so who knows.

KELVIN: Team Period

Kelvin had the #1 overall pick, and took LaDainian Tomlinson accordingly. Considering how difficult it can be to pick in the 1/20/21/40/41/etc. slot, I thought he did a pretty good job. His first four picks are all strong. Deion Branch and J.J. Arrington are good late pickups, as is the Redskins defense. He even snuck some laughs in by picking Chris Cooley. However, he made a big mistake in taking Carson "Rosey" Palmer so early. He may turn out to be worth it, but just as Tom "Goat Porn" Brady was a bit too early in the 5th, I think Palmer is a little premature in the 7th, especially the front of the 7th. And Kurt Warner is iffy as a backup... smart money is on him being all washed up. Overall, very good, and LT will carry his team, but he might want to be vigilant on the QB front.

GRADE: A-

ANDREW: El Guapo

Max Power made out just fine with Peyton Manning, Tiki Barber and Curtis Martin. Peyton is unlikely to live up to the #2 overall billing, but he'll still be the best quarterback by a fair margin. The starting lineup is solid, the wideouts are good if not dominant, and any less-than-stellar performance by the kicker and defense can be repaired. However, the Andrewbot didn't do so great in the later rounds, turning down what would have been a treeeemendous steal in Fred Taylor in order to take a second placekicker. Amongst other crimes against humanity. Peace Corps my ass! I bet Andrew's fantasy skills from last season were due entirely to the afro; now that he's shorn like a Malaysian nutsack, I expect complete failure.

GRADE: B

ALEX: Fat Broncos

As usual, Lehr provided us with the most amusing draft board. His #2 running back is Tatum Bell, he's relying on Joey Porter as a top three wideout, Jeremy Shockey is in the house, and his kicker is the immortal Sebastian "Way With Women" Janikowski. By week 4, Lehr will be picking up every Bronco on the waiver wire, including Eddie McCaffrey and Terrell Davis. Of course, he deserves this fate, because he refuses to admit how much he wants to have sex with Mel Stottlemyre.

GRADE: C-

AUSTIN: The Winning

Austin is planning to play fantasy sports based on mathematical formulas. Let's hope they aren't the same formulas that led him to miss the draft. Oddly, he's packing the same one-two running back punch that I had last year... Domanick Davis and Priest Holmes. Both of those guys are injury-prone, but luckily he has a reliable backup in Michael Bennett. And he could theoretically add Fred Taylor off of waivers. In other words, it looks like Austin will have to base his calculations on 16-game projections rather than season numbers. Let's hope Andre Johnson emerges.

GRADE: C+

CHARLES: Bush, The Good Kind!

Charles is pretty deep at RB with Clinton Portis, Edgerrin James and Stephen Jackson. His WRs are a little shaky after Chad Johnson and Jimmy Smith, but WRs are expendable, and Marcus Robinson is a decent gamble. Jason Witten is coming off a career year, so he's unlikely to repeat, but he's also playing for an anal coach who loves tight ends and the backfield attack as compared to a straight-ahead passing thrust. So that's good, I think. Charles also scored Baltimore's defense and Mike Vanderjagt, so special teams won't be a concern for him. Grabbing Ron Mexico in the eighth round was good value, though his actual fantasy value is questionable. (Surprisingly, Ron Mexico's VD went undrafted.) Like Chris Farley in Billy Madison, I know from experience... if you know what I mean. And Eli Manning is an odd choice, given that sophomores are better left on waivers until they begin to prove themselves. At any rate, it's another slot Charles can use on a different quarterback later.

GRADE: B+

(9/8/05 edit: Charles later swapped Eli for Patrick Ramsey, showing that Charles either a) listened to my advice, or b) went straight to the bar after the draft. At least if Ramsey works out he'll be a beneficiary.)

JESSE: Your Conscience

If this is my conscience, I need to start ignoring it. And you know what that means... masturbating on the Metro! So, as I was saying, Deuce/Rudi is a solid combination, Tony Gonzalez will help an awful lot, and Joe Horn is also solid. But... Drew Brees in the 5th? Duce Staley? David Carr? A second kicker? Autodraft disease. Jesse will need to recover from that, despite lucking into Gonzalez and an excellent starting RB pair.

GRADE: B-

(9/8/05 edit: he swapped his extra kicker for 3rd-down back Marshall Faulk. It's a solid bet against Steven Jackson's health, but at the same time you gotta wonder whether it's smart to bet on it right away. It's not a sure thing, like betting on Fred Taylor to get injured.)

FRANK: Grease Trap

Frank did a good job... of giving the autodrafters some hope. I think he drafted players based solely on whether they had porn names (Bulger, Chambers, Plummer, Wiggins). He adopted a bold strategy though, abandoning the running back position in its entirety. Again, odd that one would draft Jake Plummer as a backup while leaving Fred Taylor on the board. On the bright side, landing Philly D in the 12th was pretty nice, and Cadillac Williams is going to be huge by Week 4 if not sooner. But this is a shaky team.

GRADE: C

(9/8/05 edit: El Greaso Trappo swapped East Boston's own Jermaine "Super Bowl" Wiggins for Buffalo prospect Mark Campbell. Smart move to cash in on J.P. Losman's safety valves. Amended grade: C+)

JEFF: The Boondock Taints

I made a lot of very questionable decisions tonight. Kevin Jones is an okay 2nd-round pick, but I might end up regretting passing over Tiki Barber, whom I detest. Taking Brady in the fifth round was very questionable, but I don't feel too bad about it. Todd Heap is an injury waiting to happen. Anquan Boldin returned to form late last year, but the post-injury deal and the Arizona offense are problems. Derrick Mason is joining a terrible passing offense. I've always felt Javon Walker was overrated. Furthermore, after drafting Tom Brady, I made a few startling realizations:

1. Anquan Boldin and Javon Walker share a bye week


2. Brady, the backup I was aiming for (Byron Leftwich) and the two defenses I wanted most (New England and Carolina) share a bye week


3. Kevin Jones, Todd Heap and the best wideout on the board at the time (Derrick Mason) share a bye week

On the bright side, though, I think I ended up with a lot of talent in the late rounds. Picking up Dallas Clark, Plaxico Burress (potential Eli Manning beneficiary), and Leftwich as my final picks was about as good as I could have asked. The only thing is that I will need to make space on the roster for a backup kicker, defense, and quarterback when their respective bye weeks hit. Or suck it up. One or the other. I'm not terribly concerned about it, but I actually do like how my team ended up. I get to root for Patriots and when my team is actually on the field I'll be pretty strong. But the bye week maneuvering may cost me a bunch of points, which help decide playoff appearances, so I dunno.

GRADE: B

KABIR: Los Defending Champs

Kabir's favorite color is gonna have to be purple from now on. In fact, he should buy himself a Tinky Winky outfit and a purse to wear on Sundays, cause if the Culpepper/Burleson connection falters, he's screwed worse than a 12-year-old at Neverland. His running back situation is one Ahman Green ankle sprain away from nightmare status. (Is it just me, or is Ahman Green the Nomar Garciaparra of football?) The wideouts beyond Burleson are extremely iffy... even Burleson isn't exactly an established presence. Lamont Jordan may very well emerge, but it's dangerous to have an unknown quantity as your #2 running back. The bench situation isn't very bright, though Chad Pennington at #12 is a good value. On the bright side, Kabir is flexible for when players emerge from out of nowhere.

GRADE: C

(9/8/05 edit: Kabir scored the big free-agent acquisition by beating everyone else to Fred Taylor. Amended grade: C+)

CHAS: Summer of Portis

I firmly believe that Chas' wireless card got covered in "Chasm," and that's why he had to autodraft. Anyway, enough with the accusations... Farva #4!!! Farva #4!!! Poor Chas. Shoulda drafted Brady! But the RB situation is good from a yardage perspective, he's got the premier TE (Gates) and PK (Vinatieri) in football, as well as Pittsburgh's built-for-fantasy defense. And unlike his autodraft brethren, he made solid picks in the late rounds (Steve McNair, Rod Smith). The real weakness is at WR though, where Chas did more prospecting than anything. If Lee Evans and Michael Clayton make a leap, he'll be fine though.

GRADE: B

(9/8/05 edit: Chas dropped his extra kicker to pick up L.J. Smith, which is essentially a one-week pickup due to Gates' absence. No grade improvement for you!)

There's not much point in making predictions, but my money's on Charles if anyone. (That's Charles Mahle, not Charles Budnick.)