Week 1 Summary: Premature Edition

Things are not good in fantasy land.

Getting my ass beat by Lehr

Team Tatum, led by 3rd-string running back Willie "Beamon" Parker, is running roughshod on my nuts like a... well, like a steamroller, except instead of pavement, it goes on nuts. Why did this happen? Well apart from the unlikely 2 TD performance from Keyshawn "Is This Thing On?" Johnson, I think it has something to do with having two of Kyle Boller's receivers in my starting lineup. Not my brightest moment, in retrospect... Todd Heap and Derrick Mason are both name receivers and all, but I think I'd have done well to spread it around a little. If Dallas Clark gets healthy, I might like to spin Heap off for a wideout, because...

R.I.P. Javon Walker

...all indications, pending MRIs etc., are that Walker will be the Steve Smith of 2005. Fortunately I'm deep at WR, and Plaxico Burress looked real good today, but this is bad news. Add to that my private reluctance to take him in the first place, and I'm not a happy boy. I'm not going to cut him until I know for sure, but this is extremely annoying.

Baseball Semifinals

Unless Charles "Zach Randolph" Mahle mounts a comeback, I'm probably playing the unmanned Alix Nussbaum squad in trhe playoffs this week. Team Fagamuffin features the rejuvenated tandem of Todd Helton and Ken Griffey Jr., and the unjuvenated tandem of Jeremy Bonderman and Zack Greinke. Hopefully my team will perform as well next week as it's performed during my bye week (10+ HR, Lance Berkman going bananas), but who knows. Dick Harden might not be healthy, leaving me with only Pedro Martinez, Brad Radke, and Esteban Loaiza. On the offensive side, Clint Barmes has not even approached his pre-injury numbers, hitting below his weight since returning from the DL. Ben Sheets and Bobby Crosby, I miss you. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm also not keeping my hopes up.

Hockey

Just kidding. I'm going to leave at least one sport unsullied.